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Remembering Kevin Moore

13 Undeniable Truths About Bread Eaters


If you eat bread like this guy, then beware of these facts

Bread. It’s the most basic of all foods out there right. For centuries people have consumed bread without any consequence to their weight and health and they lived to tell about it. That’s one of the reasons it is commonly referred to as “the staff of life.” However, over the past 50 years the flour used to bake bread has become more and more refined and the negative impact cannot be ignored. We know how harmful bread-eating can be which is why I wanted to share the following 13 undeniable truths about bread eaters. BEWARE!

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

6. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

11. Almost 100% of child abusers are bread eaters, the same applies to abused women.

12. Most alcoholics are bread eaters as are most heavy narcotic users.

13.The very person that you dislike the most is probably a bread eater.

The moral of this story: DON’T EAT BREAD!

(In case you didn’t notice it, this was entirely a spoof with just a grain of truth…get it, grain…LOL!)

  • Meaningless statistical babbling! Ah yes….one of my favorite forms of literature. I love it. Ron, aka The Former Donut Junkie.

  • Donna

    Thanks for the great laugh today. At first I thought you had gone loopy, but thank goodness you cleared it all up at the end. I wanted to ask how Christine is doing after her treatment. Better I hope. :)

  • Does low-carb bread count? 😉

    Alex
    http://lowcarbnewengland.blogspot.com

  • THANKS Donna! Thought a good laugh would be apropos at this point with all that’s happened in my life the past couple of weeks. Christine is doing slightly better, but we’ll have the test results soon on her heavy metal toxicity report and will know more. THANK YOU for thinking of us!

  • I suppose it would, Alex! :)

  • To say bread is to say “Wheat” which is to say “Flour” which is to say “Sugar”. They are all the same thing. — Powerful stimulants that effect our bodies and our minds. Stimulants are speed.– Egyptians — Jews — Europeans — Kingdoms — Columbus — America. — Stimulated. — More more more! Me me me!

  • Hybrid carbohydrates!

  • shari

    You had me rolling with laughter. Too Funny. Thanks for the hee-haw, knee slapper.

  • Very funny, Jimmy … but I’ve seen some “studies” that use correlations almost as ridiculous.

    As I always tell people when trying to explain that correlation does not equal causation: Studies show that 96.5 percent of the people involved in automobile accidents consumed carrots within the previous year.

    That’s 100% true, Tom! 😀

    –Jimmy

  • Mindy

    I almost didn’t get the joke because I had some bread in my lifetime and it killed my sense of humor.

  • The book will be called “The Inconceivable Truth”.

  • i actually was believing it after the 2nd on lol